……………..Waiting For Remission
Julie Buffaloe-Yoder
……………………..There is no transformation
……………………..only a mockingbird, each midnight,
……………………..sweet and deep in the cedar
……………………..behind our window screen.
.
………………………Only me, in this bed beside your breath
………………………falling in thick, black curls on the sheets.
………………………Only me, awake with the thunder
………………………clearing its throat in the distance;
………………………awake with the thump of being awake
………………………and you not, the harshness of dark
………………………around your sleep thickened face.
.
………………………I want to tell you of the thunder
………………………that stumbles its way
………………………through the rock dotted river,
………………………the wetness of heat that feeds the unasleep.
………………………I want to tell you of the bird pretending
………………………deep within the cedar scented breeze,
………………………rusted buckets in the unbent grass
………………………waiting to be bruised with rain.
.
…………………………I want to tell you of the lie:
………………………There is no blood, no beat, no breath of life.
………………………There are no seasons, no rhythms, no jagged skies.
………………………No rider on this hot white night.
………………………There are no magic, golden rings.
.
………………………There is no transformation, only your body
………………………poured into a mold of sleep,
………………………only a bird upon a thundered branch,
………………………only the dropping of blackened breath
………………………after breath, and summer swollen veins.
.
………………………I will tell you of the promise.
………………………This I will do in faithfulness:
………………………Fill my mouth with the staleness of words.
………………………Fill my words with mockingbirds,
………………………the song of warm, wet wood
………………………and what might wait
………………………beyond the ticking screen.
.
……………………….When the windows thunder,
……………………….there is no mockingbird,
……………………….only the drizzle of sleep.
……………………….Only me, turning to salt in the wait.
……………………….Only your face lighting in flashes
……………………….against the storm of a window.
.
………………………..This is the face I will press
………………………..between the pages of a book.
………………………..This is the face I will drink in blind faith.
………………………..This is the face I will melt on my tongue
………………………..each leaf soaked midnight
.
………………………..while I wait for morning
………………………..to return the bird
………………………..and those same
………………………..sweet, stolen songs.
.
.
Julie,
i see you are the Julie from the Buffaloe Pen- i have loved your site for sometime now — you are a great writer, great work —
i love this poem – it take you to all different dimensions of thought – with my favorite line being “Fill my mouth with the staleness of words, Fill my mouth with mockingbirds” –
i read this as a line of despair – followed by a line of hope —
it is beautifully done –
barbara
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Hi, Barbara: It is so nice to meet you. I just confused myself (not hard for me to do), because I thought I had read your site this morning. Do you have a site? The URL is not showing up. If not, that’s cool. Feel free to drop in any time. I really appreciate your kind comments. -Julie
well done, and nicely said – good to see your blog, and work
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Hi, Dean. Thanks for dropping in. It is very nice to meet you and read your work, too. -Julie
Oh mom…way to make me cry at work on a Monday morning. HAH!
Really beautiful.
I like how it is about cancer without being explicitly about cancer. In fact, if it weren’t for the title (and the fact that I know you) it wouldn’t have to be about cancer at all. The sentiments and emotions translate across illnesses and experiences. My favorite lines are “the wetness of heat that feeds the unasleep” and “poured into a mold of sleep”.
Hi, Amber! It’s good to know I’m not the only one crying on a Monday morning…Ha! Ha! Thank you so much.
It’s interesting you mention that the poem could either be about cancer or not. I was going to title it “Waiting for Rain.” For me, it’s about waiting for remission. But I thought others might just like the open interpretation. The “pretending” the mockingbird is doing could be about a relationship…or anything really. I’m not sure if I’ll keep this title or not.
Thanks again. Your comments always get me going and make my day:)
P.S. to Amber…I really don’t like to make you cry. Love, Mom
Mom,
Actually, I think you should keep the title. It’s just enough to give you the idea that it’s about cancer, but it also brings other nuances to mind. Remission can mean forgiveness or pardon of a sin or debt, or a lessening of intensity (thanks dictionary.com!). All of these meanings of the word bring weight to the poem, even if the reader doesn’t consider the medical definition. I like that.
~Amber
Amber, I think that’s a good idea. Maybe I was just putting too much thought into the word “remission” as remission from cancer. I do like the other meanings, especially the forgiveness or pardon of sin or debt. Thanks for that perspective. If you like the title, I’ll definitely keep it:)
julie you did read and comment on my site this morning —
site is soulintention.wordpress.com
talk to you later –barbara
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Hi, Barbara! Yes! Can you believe how scatter brained I am? It’s a wonder I can find my way out of the house every morning. I saw you at S.L.’s wonderful site. Yes, I will definitely be back. Thanks so much. -Julie
Julie, you’re going to make me cry, too. Sniff. The subject, the words, the cadence of the poem which reads like a whisper straight from the lips of the “you” in the poem.
Its effect on me is magnified by the fact that I’m reading this only hours after I’ve stumbled upon and read a blog entry of a wife writing about her husband’s Alzheimer’s, and about her experiences as her husband’s caregiver. Her writing has left me utterly speechless, struck to the core, that I am, as of now, still trying to find the words to express concern and comfort. Here is the URL for her blog: http://stillsomebody.wordpress.com. And here is the URL for her husband Bob Raymer’s life story: http://www.bobraymer.com/pages/bobraymer1.html.
Your poem, with the persona as the loved one of the person with cancer, reminds me so much of Mrs. Raymer. You’ll understand, I know, why I make the connection; I know of your love for poems that dwell on humanity, and it is by coincidence that I’ve clicked a link to her site. Both of you have nearly brought me to tears within the span of only several hours.
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Thank you, S.L. This has really, really touched me. I will definitely check out those links. I cannot even imagine what Mrs. Raymer is experiencing. What strong people she and her husband must be.
And thank you again for all those beautiful links at your site this morning (and for including me). I had so much fun checking everyone out. You go beyond just being a “poet blogger.” You have a deep concern and yes…humanity…for everyone you meet. That shines through in your work, as well as in all of your kind gestures to me and everyone else.
It’s so nice in this “dog eat dog” world to meet genuinely kind people like you
And thanks again for the links. I will look at them right now. -Julie
As always, beautiful.
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Thank you, Diane! I can’t wait to get over to your site this evening. Thanks much for dropping in. -Julie
Ah Julie, I can “feel” you lying there, and feel him sleeping, with all that awaits both of you, and the not-knowing. I hope to get some time to really study this poem and tell you more about what I think of it. For now, I vote with Amber. I think it’s wonderful to broaden the poem as much as possible. It resonates with many experiences in my life – even just being awake while another is sleeping; there’s loneliness in it, but a feeling of being joined with the other as well – that’s a bit of the miracle of the poem; and a sense that you’re recording something so that he can share it with you when awake – resolving the loneliness somewhat. In part, you’re able to bear it because you know you’ll be able to share it, but also the fear that his “sleep” may make that impossible. Ah dear, a sweet kind of sadness, along with a hope that almost dare not speak itself, but does. Amazing, as always. I do think this is a universal experience and that the title helps to reinforce that.
LOVE YA! And now I’m going back to check for spelling mistakes in my damn comment!
Even now I think, it’s remission from the loneliness and isolation that’s hovering, as much as remission from the cancer. And of course, the possibility that it won’t come, that there may be no opportunity to tell what you’ve experienced while he’s been sleeping – the greatest possible loss?
Thanks so much, hysperia sistah! For your kind comments and for making me laugh. I thought I was the only one who checked for spelling mistakes in my comments…lol! And it irritates the crap out of me, because I can’t go back and change it on somebody else’s site.
You know, I think you are so right. The poem is probably more about “remission from loneliness and isolation” than it is about cancer! Wow! You really put me on the couch with that one. It’s about being in his world but at the same time, not being in it, because only the person with the disease can really experience it. Excellent observations, as always. Thank you so much!
This is the best poem I’ve read in a long time. Wowza! It’s amazing, truly amazing, every last word of it. It flows like a song, with the mystery of nature, of the night, of love, of life, the whole shebang. Wow.
Thanks much, Christine. I was just snooping around at your place…ha! Some great posts over there. Have a good one & thanks for dropping in.
Amber is right. I even missed the play on “remission” in the title. I relate remission with “remission of sin,” so that is the vein in which I read the poem. Lies, promises, and faithfulness were all words you placed within your metaphor to allow me to continue unsuspecting in my own mode of “reader response.” Cancer is something outside my ken. The punch in my stomach came at the end when I saw how you had tagged the poem. So, I read it again. Congratulations on writing two magnificent poems.
Hi, Scott. Thanks so much for your kind comments and perspective. I think you are right about the title. It’s good to let all readers come to a poem with their own interpretations. Though I’m glad caregivers might be able to relate, I’m also glad that others can relate, too. And I think hysperia is right about how it’s really more about loneliness and isolation.
Thanks again for dropping in and for your awesome comments, Scott!
I also agree with Amber. My first impressions were of the heaviness of intimacy and living in the in-between times of life and relationships. A beautiful poem on many levels.
Hi, Brigindo. Thank you for telling me that, because it is very helpful for revision (or no revision). I really take what you say to heart, and I do appreciate the feedback. Now I think I will leave the title as is! It sort of goes back to what I was saying last week, huh? I can’t leave poems alone sometimes, which can be a negative.
Thank you again for your perspective and very kind comments.
nice work Julie–tight writing, expertly done
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Thanks so much, Scot. I was at your site earlier today. Great stuff. I’ll be back to comment. It’s just one of the strange things I do. Gotta look twice, then speak. So good to see you. -Julie
Astonishingly good.
and what might wait
………………………beyond the ticking screen
WOW. Beautiful. And touches me deeper than I can say.
Thank you, Jo! And I’m touched that you took time out of your day to come over here, especially with everything you have going on. Great stuff is happening in your world, but I do know that “run-run” feeling of having to get it all done. Shew!
So I really appreciate your reading and comments. And, of course, because they come from you, as I love your work. Thanks again and have a beautiful day!
I came back to read again, wow, I’m still floored. i read your daughter’s comments too, and to be honest, this poem could be about cancer, or not, I also read it as an entry into the pulse of life, during the night, an awareness of life and the thrill of aliveness, that mystery, sheesh, I keep gushing.
Hi, Christine! Thank you and I love your gushing…ha! ha! Actually, I think it is so nice to have this type of forum. The critics and naysayers in the writing world are numerous and can be pretty tough sometimes, to say the least.
So it’s a very positive experience to be able to support each other and just enjoy each others’ creations. I know I sure enjoy yours! I’m still on that cliff telling Al Capone stories in my mind:)
Thanks again for dropping in. Talk to you soon!
This is so powerful and moving and as Amber said, works on so many levels (or at such a breadth as it were). I love the title too, as it gave that extra, “well hmmm” breadth to the possibilities for personal interpretation.
Happy Sigh… as always I am in awe.
Hi, Nan! It’s so good to see you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, especially with your book coming out soon. I’ve got you on the list for a purchase! One of these days, I won’t have to wait until payday a month from now to buy books…ha! ha! Oh, dare to dream:)
Thank you for your kind comments. I’m really happy to know that the poem works on different levels. And thanks for dropping in. Much appreciated!
Even though there is thunder and mockingbirds, even though there is the sound of another person breathing, the loneliness brings on a deep silence of its own. I agree with Amber regarding the title. Actually, I agree with Amber regarding everything. It’s a very moving poem. See you have tagged your poem “life is beautiful”. Perhaps we could add that poetry makes it more intense.
Thanks so much, Annette. Yes, after our life and death ordeal, it made me appreciate the beauty of life so much. I think I’ve always had an appreciation, but now it’s much more intense. I like what you say about poetry making it more intense. That’s so true! I appreciate your kind comments.
Hello Julie,
Lots of wonderful comments here. My first visit to your space, and I look forward to returning and reading more.
Geoff (& Eleanor), at “This Side of Paradise”
Hi, Geoff! Hi, Eleanor! I really enjoy meeting new people, so thank you for dropping in. It’s a pleasure. I was just looking at your site. Beautiful! I’ll be over there soon to explore more. Thanks again.
Thanks for stopping by “This Side of Paradise,” Julie. You’re welcome any time. We’ll be exploring your site, too. It’s always exciting to find new words, new inspiration. To the power of creativity!
Oh, I’m coming in so late on this. I have been SO busy. This is a beautiful, painful, touching, loving piece of work.
So many incredible lines…”only your body/poured into a mold of sleep”…just gorgeous, and haunting.
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Hi, Holly! Shoot, don’t worry one bit about when you come in. You’re always welcome, and I can only imagine how crazy-busy it must be for you right now. They don’t pay teachers enough, that’s for sure. But I’m especially touched that you took the time to come over. As always, thanks for your kind comments. -Julie
Such a beautiful poem, I love how the bird and the thunder are woven right through the narrative
Hi, Crafty Green Poet & thank you very much! I’ll be back at your place today to see what’s new. Great stuff:) Yes, I’ve noticed that mockingbirds and thunder tend to show up in a lot of my work. I guess it’s the landscape speaking. Talk to you soon. Have a beautiful day.
Very, very rich poem. Superb.
Thank you, KGT! Your poems just blew me out of my seat! I’m flying across the room now…ha! Thanks for dropping in and please do come back.
This is so tender and beautiful. A true work of art.
Thank you, Nathan. It’s so good to see you. I’ll be over at your place this evening. Have a beautiful day.
Julie….this is a potent, powerful, commanding piece, all tied together with a softness of being – soft words – breath, drizzle, breeze. Your words bring to my mind the most captivating visions. Richly woven!
What a writer you are my southern friend! I applaud you.
KLGilbert
Thank you so much for your kind comments, KL Gilbert! It has been a pleasure to meet you. I just hopped over to your site and was so happy to read your beautiful work.
Please keep in touch, and we’ll chat. I’m sort of on the run tonight, but in a good way. Oh yeah…the weekend! But I’ll definitely be back to visit you soon. Thanks again and have a beautiful day.
And please call me K – it is actually my first name. ;D
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Sure thing, K! I was going to ask you if I could call you K or KL. Then I thought it might be rude to ask. (Old school southern politeness…ha ha). Names are so important. Thanks & will talk soon:) -Julie
Julie -
I like this poem, its hushed tone, its darkness and light.
Nice metaphors…it’s almost as if you are slowly building the poem with slight careful alterations of repetition…
Poetman
Hi, Poetman! It’s so nice to see you. I was thinking about you recently. I hope everything’s going well with your day venture. It’s also great to see that you’re posting when you can.
Yes, I tried for slight alterations with repetition, so I’m really happy you noticed that. Thanks so much for your kind comments.
A wonderful, moving work. Poetic craftsmanship is surely not dead as long as you and K. Lawsen are still alive.
Hi, Ferrel. Or would you prefer Rick? It’s nice to meet you. I appreciate your kind comments. Yes, I have enjoyed K’s work very much. I was just looking at your site, too. Very creative work! I also love the white cat:) I will be back to look some more. Take care & have a beautiful day.
oh my, this took my breath away. so, so sweet. and powerful. i will bookmark this and read it again and again.
Thank you again, Odessa. It is a special compliment when someone reads a poem more than once. This one has a special place in my heart, so I am especially thankful. I will head back to your place again (I tend to like to look, soak it all in, and then comment). It is so nice to meet you!