Yes, I’m annoying, too. You put up with my eccentricities and weird habits. You tolerate my ego and crazy mood swings. You sigh when I arrive late to your meeting in that purple and orange glow-in-the-dark outfit I thought was a really cool find at the Goodwill store. But now it’s my turn to tell the rest of the world how weird you are. This is just a lighthearted look at:
Ten Ways To Annoy
Poets & Writers
(Feel Free to Add Your Own)
#10: “Give me an autographed copy.” What am I? The copy fairy? Do I look like I have a printing press in my house? Are you my mother? My daughter? If not, shut up! I get two free copies. Someday, when I publish my novel, maybe I’ll get five.
Okay, I know when you say this, you’re just trying to be conversational. Maybe even nice. But it comes off as patronizing. A doctor said this to me. Seriously. My reply? “Sure, doc. How about you give me an autographed copy of a FREE office visit?”
#9: No, I will not write your eighth grade kid’s book report for him, even though he’s going to fail if I don’t. You should have made lil’ Cheesy Mac turn off Guitar Hero and read Lord of the Flies two months ago. But give junior a few years, and he’ll probably be my boss at my day job. Then I’ll write all his reports for him.
#8: Please. I know you mean well. But please…I’m begging you. Stop giving me ads for poetry contests you clipped from the side of a cereal box and asking me why I haven’t entered any of them yet.
#7: Your stories about your cousin or your friend’s friend’s latest squeeze who wrote a book at the tender age of twenty and is riding high on the New York Time’s best seller list are just plain cruel. Am I jealous? You bet! Here…shove this butter knife between my ribs. It would feel much better.
#6: Likewise, I don’t want to hear about your nephew who works at Hallmark and entered the “Poetry of America” contest, won first place, and for just $289.95 is now a published poet in a beautifully leather bound anthology. Now I’m just being mean, but sorry…your story makes me want to kick your ass.
#5: (For good small town folk): Please stop asking me to read my poems at the Ladies’ Auxiliary poetry/arts and crafts booth at the county fair. Please. Trust me. You wouldn’t like it. If you ask me one more time, I just might do it for giggles.
#4: If you write cleverly rhymed poems about love, fluffy kitties, mythical dragons, or teddy bears, please stop sending them to literary magazines. There is a market for you on the net. A really, really big market. Or go to the Ladies’ Auxiliary poetry/arts and crafts booth at the county fair. You’ll be a big hit.
#3: When you feel the need to talk about literature in my presence, but you’re not really into it. “Uh, that Emily Dickinson has some amazing commentary about the condition of life and uh, women and stuff.” Yawn. Yes, I’m being mean again. But really…you don’t have to do this. We can talk about politics or the weather or any number of things.
#2: This one almost became number one. You know you’ve said it. “I’ve got this really good idea for a book I want to write about that time my husband and I went water skiing in Cancun, and we saw a barracuda and found this amazing little restaurant off the beaten track where everybody spoke Spanish.” Heavy sigh. “If only I had the time to write it.”
Garsh, Minnie. I’ve got a ruler and a sketch pad. Maybe I’ll design a new wing for the Metropolitan Museum of Art…heavy sigh…if only I had the time.
#1: (DRUMROLL PLEASE) When I’m at home during the day, I am working. I might not have a shovel or a briefcase in my hand. But I am working. If my door is closed and I’m not answering my phone, that means I’m not available to:
a). babysit
b). spearhead committee meetings or bake sales
c). listen to a story about your root canal.
Give me a few hours. If I’m on a roll, it might be a few days. But I will come out and happily raise a glass with you, pat your babies, admire your dogs, and listen to your stories until dawn.
Am I mad at you? Nah. You know I love you, world. You know I do. You can even create a blog about all the stupid things I say about your occupations, and I’m sure I’ll laugh.
I don’t really expect you to know all this. But now you do. So I’m going back to work now, okay? See you in a few days.
Amen Julie
***********************************
Thanks, Scot. I knew you’d understand. Have a good one. -Julie
Sounds like you’re defining your time, space and energy – what you have room for and what you don’t. Streamline. More people should do this. It may make us less “likeable” but I can live with that (and do). Why suffer fools gladly?
So true, Sara. So true. That nice gal syndrome is hard to break. I wonder if this is just a small town problem? I wonder if other writers have so many personal demands on their professional time? Maybe they knew how to say no long ago.
I’m giving up a lot of things in the next few weeks. Some I like giving up. Some I don’t. But it will be a sweet relief to have more uninterrupted time to write. Maybe a little sleep, too! Thanks so much. -Julie
Nice, polite Southern women never say “No.” They smile when someone is boring them, apologize for tears, are ever gracious, and never, never show their behinds!!! (A good butt showing is an art form.)
Ha! That’s so funny. I do the smile thing. I call it “going to my happy place” when somebody’s telling me something boring.
But I’ll have to say, I’ve known some very tough Southern women in my day. At least I wouldn’t sass them, that’s for sure. I enjoy keeping my teeth intact.
You’re right…it’s an art form. Knowing the difference between being nice and letting people take advantage sometimes gets blurred. Maybe it’s a common theme women all over the world share, because of the way we’re socialized. The tough women I’ve known were usually raised to be that way through circumstances (like economics).
Take care & thanks for your great comments, Sara. Talk to you soon!
Lovely. And I can relate to every point, in the now or in the past, even still, to this day, with the “why haven’t you entered this contest?” BS
Thanks, Rodger. People who aren’t in our world don’t quite get the “serious humor” of this.
I don’t understand a thing about the world of an artist or a carpenter. But I respect what they do. I wouldn’t dream of giving an artist an ad from a match book cover. “Draw Binky the Clown and win $500!” I’m guessing they have to deal with crap like that, too.
Creative types are the Rodney Dangerfields of the working world…no respect…no respect at all. That’s why I’m glad so many of us support each other.
Thanks for dropping by!
MAJOR rolling on the floor laughing going on here.
I have an artist friend lives in a very small community. And her mother lives next door! She became so frustrated by thoughtless interruptions that she made a sign for her door. It was a circle with a moveable arrow and it was divided into pie slices. Each slice of the pie described her activity of the moment and whether you could, or would even want, to knock on that door.
Like, “MEDITATING – DO NOT DISTURB UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, UNLESS YOU ARE OBJECTIVELY IN EXTREME CRISIS” and “DOING HOUSEWORK: ENTER ONLY IF YOU WANT TO DO IT FOR ME BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY BETTER THINGS TO DO” and “ARTIST AT WORK – DISTURB ONLY IF YOU’RE AT THE POINT OF DEATH AND REMEMBER YOU’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT” and “HAVING TEA AND COOKIES AND STARING OUT MY FRONT WINDOW – PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION” and “I’M SO FUCKING LONELY I COULD SCREAM – WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN????”
I think it stopped a few people. And her mother refused to enter a place where a woman used such awful language!
That is hilarious!!! I am SO going to make me a sign like that. Maybe I’ll put evil clowns on it. HA! The tea and cookies cracks me up.
Mother next door? I feel so badly for your friend!
If I forget to lock my doors, a certain neighbor lady just walks in. If I’m typing, she talks while I type.
On several occasions, she has caught me coming from the shower buck naked. I scramble for a robe or a dish towel or something, and she proceeds to tell me about her latest home remodeling project. No kidding!! I SWEAR the next time she does it, I am going to drop the towel and dance for her.
I love the sign, though. My wheels are turning now. Evil clowns, PMS warnings, etc.? I love the spinning pie chart. If I can find a scanner, I’ll post it and show you what I come up with.
OMG. I must burn the doggerel. (#4)
And no one around here understands “GET OUTTA HERE!!!” (I gave up on polite requests long ago). I like the pie idea. How does your phone know what the arrow’s pointing at, though? hmmm Oh that’s right, we don’t HAVE to pick it up.
HA! Yes, I should learn to be more direct and just say GET OUTTA HERE! Sara’s comment did help. I’ve been showing my butt more lately (not literally, of course). But it might be literal if that lady keeps pestering me when I get out of the shower. Tee hee…
I do have the phone worked out, though. I let the machine answer. And I don’t own a cell phone. Can you believe that?? I really am a weirdo, but I like it that way.
Thank you for your comments, Nan! Sorry I’m so slow in getting you linked up. I’ll get you up there today. I always intend to, and then I get distracted by shiny objects and forget where I am. HA! HA! Unfortunately, that’s not too far from the truth.
Thanks again & take care.
fantastic.
10: “Sure, doc. How about you give me an autographed copy of a FREE office visit?”
did you really say this? please say you did. if you did, you’re my new hero. i think all kinds of great, witty comebacks but was born without a spine and never say them until i get into the car and yell them at the windshield. fantastic.
9: this is precious. i have many bosses like this kid. i know your pain. another reason i rarely tell people i write. suddenly, i’m wanted to write all their damn things. “hey, justin, i want to write the phone company a letter, but i’m just no good at putting words together. i know you’re a writer, so why don’t you help me.” ugh.
8, 7, 6: yes. yes. yes. hilarious. i’ve experienced all of these. eventually you MUST become an asshole, or you will be overrun by the world. right? right? i’m sticking to it.
5, 4: sounds horrible. any women’s auxiliary anything just sounds painful. you sould read there. you probably wouldn’t be asked back. bring the poem about Belinda. oh man…
3: yes! when people find out we’re writers, poets in particular, it’s as if we have nothing else to offer the world. let’s talk about politics, philosophy, pop culture, whatever. i know more than just poetry, and frankly, poetry is boring.
2: oh my god. spot on. hilarious. yeah, writing a book is just that easy. and that topic sounds exactly like the moronic crap people think books are about. like For Whom The Bell Tolls is just about a guy from Montana who goes to Spain and happens to know Spanish and is up on a mountain and meets a girl. that’s all. jeez.
1: the only one i can’t relate to, but that’s probably more to do with me being male and having a soul-sucking job than anything else. i can definitely empathize with the sentiment, though. people suck, it’s just that simple. though, to be fair, the worst kind of people ARE poets. we’re a terrible sort. and we can hurt you with words worse than just about anyone!
Hi, Justin. I’m laughing my ass off at your responses. You should put up your own list. Yes, I actually did tell a doctor that, but I can relate to you. Usually, I just grin like a fool and say nothing. He was very patronizing, though, and it pissed me off royally.
I love your responses. The letter to the phone company is hilarious, because it’s so true!!
#1 is also right on. Poets can be the biggest a-holes in the world (I include myself in that). The soul sucking job…oh yeah! Those are the ones I usually get. My last one was in a grease pit with rats. Speaking of which, I’m moving…and unemployed. Anybody want to hire a cheap poet? I mean…a poet who works cheap. Ha! Ha!
Thanks so much, Justin. It’s fun to talk to you. Please come back and chat whenever you can. You have great perspective. Have a good one. -Julie
thank Julie-
i enjoy talking with you, too. what is it? a friendship borne of shared experience, though not really shared in the sense that we were there together, but shared in the sense that we’ve both (like most writers) have had them…you know what i mean. i just can’t get the thoughts straight. it’s too early. work sucks.
good luck on your move. i hope it works out. unemployed doesn’t sound all that bad. i know there’s a stigma attached to the word, but the alternative isn’t that great, either. i’ve done it for many years and it sucks…
my list would be longer than 10 items, have more profanity and would only be funny in the tragic sense.
sounds fun, maybe i’ll make one and send it your way… 
Hi, Justin. Sorry it took me so long to answer. Finally settled in & finally have the internet again…woot! Yes, I appreciate your friendship. Shared experiences is a great way to put it. I think many poets have the same struggles. That sorta binds us all together in a way.
I’m laughing, though, because I love the fact that you’re reading this at work. I used to do that…whenever I had ten minutes of peace.
Profanity should definitely be included in the list…ha! ha! Yes, please send me your list. Thanks again & take care. Drop by anytime. It’s so much fun to talk to you.
still at work. will work on my list soon.
i like our “discussions” too. glad to have you back!
profanity is one of the arts i’m best at. like most men, i can make just about any verb dirty, and most nouns. no, all nouns. it’s a gift.
i gotta take breaks at work or else i’ll break. it’s imperative to my mental health, and to the physical health of my coworkers (and managers).
when i get my list complete, i’ll send it your way!
Hey, Justin! Great to see you. You know, the one thing I miss from my crappy day job was the hardworking blue collar guys from a few years ago (all the cool people wised up and left, which shows you how stupid I am). They inspired a lot of poems and stories.
I know what you mean about “man talk.” Ha! Ha! It’s definitely a male gift. Those guys could take any word I said and turn it into a dirty innuendo. But it was harmless. All in good fun. They even toned it down when I was around, which was sweet.
I guess my understanding is because I grew up around a lot of guys. I was the annoying girl who tagged along in the woods and pestered them until they let me shoot or ride dirt bikes or whatever. I used to be a good shot, but now I suck. We went to a shooting range over the holidays, and I was shocked at how bad I was. Civilization ruined me, I guess.
Time to practice. There are lots of woods where I live now.
I forget I’m on the net. I can hear the collective gasping out there. Ha! Ha! Yeah, I like guns, okay? I promise not to kill anybody or any lil’ critters. I kill tin cans. Maybe a few bottles.
Hang in there at work. Now that I’m moved in, I’m looking for a job again. Crap. Unless some rich person out there wants to send me a million bucks just because I’m so damn nice. I’d even sing for it…ha!
Thanks, Justin. Take care & have a beautiful week:)
if this ethereal nice person who is sending you a million would also like to shoot me a cool hundred thou, that would be great. i’m not greedy. just a cool one hundred thou. that’s a damn bargain.
civilization ruins many. all? maybe.
i hate work. absolutely hate it. managers are tools. coworkers are more often than not douchebags and asskissers. it’s too much. i try my best, keep to myself and scowl at those who try to enter my realm. be gone, you foul colleague!
guns, eh? i’m not much for them, but my father is a fan. collects them and shoots them. he’s not a hunter, though.
if you do decide you want to kill someone, consult me and i’ll give you a list.
good luck on your job quest. i hope you find that benefactor (and if you do, let him know about me!!!)
A hundred thou! Yeah!! I’ll gladly take it. I only said a million, because I figured it ain’t gonna happen anyway. May as well dream greedy. Ha! Ha!
But I’ll split the million with you.
How about a virtual begging hat? I could set up a paypal account for begging…ha!
I know what you mean about work. It’s tough to be a creative type in the soul sucking working world. I just don’t play the games or even know how to suck up. I don’t care about office gossip or the latest reality show.
My favorite jobs have been blue collar ones. Like working at the fish house. Or non-profits. Unfortunately, they’re the lowest pay.
Thanks so much for the visits. It really cheers me up. I’ll keep an eye out for our benefactor:)
this is like an year late i am commenting…i just happend to surf your blog..this is hilarious..hahah(just to corroborate the previous statement)
LOL(u know my usual use…and hence underlines it…)
Hi, Narendra! That’s quite alright about the time. Comments are always welcome. Yeah, sometimes I get a little crazy and silly. But as the song says, it keeps me from going insane…ha! ha! At least I guess it does:) Thanks so much.